3. Fear and Anxiety

About two days after I gave my notice at work that I was quitting on May 23rd, the fear and anxiety set in.  That Wednesday morning at work, I was feeling anxious to the point it was the closest thing I ever felt to anxiety attack.  My muscles in my back tensed up and the tension lasted for days.

These questions kept coming up in my mind.

What did I do? I am leaving a job and a career that I love and is stable.  I am giving up my comfort and stability by quitting my job.

How am I going to pay my bills?

Am I going to be homeless?  Am I going to lose my car because I can’t pay my car payment?

And the questions and thoughts went on and on.

That morning I kept telling myself God’s truth and that He was going to provide for me because I was following His will.  It frustrated me that anxiety was winning that morning and for the few days after.  Because no matter how much I tried to apply God’s truth in my life, it didn’t seem to help.  I hated that my emotions were over shadowing the truth I knew.  But that morning and the few days to follow, I did know that even in the midst of this anxiety; I had a peace that I made the right decision about my future.

The fear and anxiety is not something I was prepared because I have peace in my decision.  And this fear and anxiety is something that came and went in my last couple weeks of work.  I am sure it will come and go again as I try to figure out the next steps that God has for me next.

Sometime after me giving my notice at work, God gave me a visual for this season of life.   The first phase of the visual is that God is holding my hand and leading me into my future.  But I can only see up to His wrist and the rest of Him and what is ahead of me is covered with a dense fog that I can’t see anything else but His hand holding mine.

A few weeks after this morning, I was at church and it was the first time that I admitted to myself and God that I am scared for this new season of life.  A season of unknowns, a season of trusting in God and a season of peace.  That night is where God lifted a little more of the dense fog in the visual He has given me for this season.  I could see up to His shoulder and a few days after I could see up to the back of His head as He is leading me.  He is leading me like a Father leads a child.  And this child is in complete trust of the Father because the child knows that the Father has the best intentions for the child.  The Father will provide safety and provisions for the child.

***This is part of a series of blog posts of me sharing about burnout and things I have been learning through this.  They are numbered in the order that they are written in and to indicate that they are part of this series.***

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