Tonight at church I had a hard time singing these lyrics to this song as I was processing my friend’s death. All a sudden I could not sing these words because I started to question why God did not heal my friend.
Like there wasn’t anything that could take all my broken pieces that I felt that day and make sense of them let alone put that back together. I felt like glass that was shattered into a million shards of glass. I wasn’t sure what to do with my brokenness that day.
My feelings in the last year, I think for the most part have been nonexistent/numb to keep status quo or there has been sadness as I process things that had happened or that were going on inside of me. Don’t get me wrong, I have had moments of joy and when they happen I try to take note of them.
My job was to empower them through these moments, show them hope in the hopeless situations and provide resources for them to move forward in life.
While I was doing helping others dream for themselves, inside over time I had quit dreaming. I had allowed life to stifle my creativity. I had allowed my own exhaustion to take over when I had down time.
That Wednesday morning at work, I was feeling anxious to the point it was the closest thing I ever felt to anxiety attack. My muscles in my back tensed up and the tension lasted for days.
These questions kept coming up in my mind.
Over the next fews days, as I thought about my future and what God was asking me to do. I felt this unshakeable peace and I tried to shake it to make sure it is real. But I couldn’t shake it.
It ended with a day where it seemed like everything fell apart. I cried so much that day that I did not think it was possible for me to have that many tears in my eyes and that there would be tears left in my tear ducts. I remember feeling so broken. I ended up leaving work early that day.